“To this day I wake up at times, look in the mirror and just stare, obsessed with the idea that the person I am in my head is something entirely different than what everyone sees. That the way I look will prevent me from doing the things I want…I touch my face, I feel my skin, I check my color everyday, and I swear it all feels right. But then someone says something and that sense of security and identity is gone before I know it.”

-Eddie Huang, Fresh Off The Boat

I can not remember the exact moment when things began to feel out of place. This feeling of being caught up between separate worlds, yet neither of which I could fully call home. I can recall many moments in my life where I have felt the need to hide the parts that make up my cultural identity, simply to conform to another. It was only until I learned to embrace my culture, I realized it was something to be proud of instead of hidden. In Eddie Huang’s memoir, Fresh Off The Boat, Huang grapples with finding an identity that he can call his own and provides a unique lens on the theme of cultural identity through the motif of Black American culture.

A Compound Of Cultures

Being born in America to immigrant parents from two distinct countries, meant my cultural identity was never easily defined. I grew up in a Chinese household, attended a Vietnamese Buddhist temple, and I was educated by an American school system. As I grew older my Vietnamese language disappeared. Even though I still speak Chinese with my grandparents I find myself forgetting words. For the longest time I struggled to find who I was in the seemingly endless nuance. I desperately searched for something that bridged the gaps between my cultural identities and killed any doubt of who I was.

Hip-Hop’s Impact On Eddie

Throughout the book, Huang develops this theme of cultural identity through his connection to Black American Culture. Huang has felt like an outsider his whole life. Chinese people doubted his authenticity for being born in America and Americans doubted his Americanness just by looking at him. An experience that I am far too familiar with. Instead of conforming to a model minority myth he sees all the parts of him that were shunned, being pronounced and reflected in Black American culture, especially through hip-hop:

We listened to hip-hop because there wasn’t anything else that welcomed us in, made us feel at home… Our parents, Confucius, the model-minority bullshit, and kungfu-style discipline are what set us off. But Pac held us down. (Huang 60)

Eddie hates Confucianism and the model minority myth. This pressure to conform and to be docile, goes against every fiber of his being and strips him of his individuality. I saw many of these ideals in the way I was raised. Either give absolute respect and obedience or be severely punished. Hip-hop showed Eddie that he was not alone, it showed him that he could still find strength in the struggle without having to abide by ideals designed to limit him.

The Symbolism of The Rotten Banana

When Angela’s boyfriend Tom tells Eddie that “hip-hop is garbage” and that Eddie was just going through a phase, Eddie could not care less about what Tom thought. He says he “never stopped listening to hip-hop…I was a Chinese-American kid raised by hip hop and basketball with screaming, yelling, abusive parents in the background. If that doesn’t make me a rotten banana, well, tell it like it is.”(Huang 66) When Eddie refers to himself as a rotten banana, it is not an insult, it is a symbol that encapsulates everything that makes him who he is. Instead of adopting the term “banana” used to describe an Asian who is “yellow on the outside and white on the inside,” Eddie goes against this label. Black American culture becomes just as important in defining himself as his Asian heritage.

Lion Dance: The Bridge

Like Eddie, I have immigrant parents who used physical/emotional discipline to enforce traditional values, but unlike Eddie I did not always have the courage to fight against conformity. There were so many times I tolerated disrespect, racism, and (by far the worse) let ignorant losers shape how I viewed myself.

What eventually helped me reconnect with myself was lion dance. An ancient art form done to drive away bad spirits and bring in good fortune. I first learned how to lion dance from my Vietnamese Temple, but lion dance originates from China. In the same way hip-hop gave Eddie a sense of belonging, lion dance gave me a community where my cultures did not have to compete with each other. Performing in front of big crowds taught me to have confidence and pride in the traditions I once hid.

Conclusion

Reading Eddie Huang’s memoir made me realize I was never meant to make myself small for others to feel comfortable. It took me quite some time to discover who I was, but I know now.

I am whoever I decide to be. I will never let anyone take that away from me again.

Links

https://www.amazon.com/Fresh-Off-Boat-Eddie-Huang/dp/0812983351

In Proulx’s story, two stereotypical masculine cowboys, Jack and Ennis, fall in love, which goes against masculine norms. When Jack and Ennis start having sex:

They never talked about the sex, let it happen, at first only in the tent at night, then in the full daylight with the hot sun striking down, and at evening in the fire glow, quick, rough, laughing and snorting, no lack of noises, but saying not a goddam word except once Ennis said, “I’m not no queer,” and Jack jumped in with “Me neither.” A one-shot thing. Nobody’s business but ours. (Proulx 6)

There is an atmosphere of denial clearly displayed. A lot of Jack and Ennis’ denial stems not only from ingrained ideas on masculinity, but also from fear. Both men are aware of the dangers of being gay, so when they say they are “not no queer” it is a way to distance themselves away from that identity and the use of a derogatory term shows their internalized homophobia. Yet, despite what both Jack and Ennis say, their actions reveal their true feelings for each other. As the story progresses Jack and Ennis undoubtedly share a deep love for each other, even if it is not expressed openly.

What many people fail to see is that “Brokeback Mountain” is not a love story. They question Ennis’ choice to not share a life with Jack and are disappointed by Jack’s tragic end. Nevertheless, Proulx had consciously designed the story to be this way. In Nora Mathe’s article “They Just Don’t Get It,” Mathe gives valuable insight on the thoughts of Proulx as well as the critics and fans of “Brokeback Mountain.” In the article, Christopher Cox of the Paris Review makes a claim on Proulx that writing “their story the way she did was a conscious effort to discuss the rampant homophobia of the poverty-ridden, rural American West, and not to write a love story with a happy ending”(Mathe 1). A crucial detail in Ennis’ character is his trauma from seeing a lynched gay rancher. It is a fear that paralyzes him and prevents him from taking that chance with Jack. If Proulx were to write “Brokeback Mountain” in a way that Jack and Ennis live happily together, it would completely diminish the weight of the issue. Homophobia ruined the lives of these two men in love and it continues to ruin lives in the real world.

Another mistake that audiences make is thinking that homophobia is a tale of the past. “Many viewers and critics had trouble pinpointing the serious problem of homophobia, placing it in the past as though it is not an issue representative of today too”(Mathe 9). This misinterpretation shows that people are comfortable with the idea that Jack and Ennis’ story only exists in a less “progressive” era. When in reality the fear and repression that took control of these men continue to affect LGBTQ+ in various forms. The tragedy of Jack and Ennis is not a relic of the past, it is an ongoing social issue that persists beyond the setting of the story.

The fear, oppression, and constant misunderstanding of marginalized communities, hits close to home as an Asian American. What many people do not understand is that a racist joke is still racist even if they say “it was just a joke.” There was once a popular white kid in my high school class, that I considered a friend at the time. He would constantly say racist jokes about Asian people and would often speak in an “Asian accent.” What I regret now is not standing up to him. I thought that if I didn’t chuckle a long to his jokes and call him out that I would somehow be the bad guy or I was just being dramatic. However one time he made fun of the way my father spoke and he even repeated what my father said in a crude accent. My father came to America when he was 18 years old, English was not his first language. The kid making fun of my father was the same age at the time and he does not know a second language, so who the fuck was he to judge. I was completely disgusted by him and even more disgusted that I considered him a friend. The fact is racist “jokes” normalize prejudice. These “jokes” make it seem socially acceptable for people to engage in discriminatory and violent behavior. The people who these jokes are directed towards, often negatively impact their mental and physical well-being. There were many points in my life where I was scared of being “too Asian” because of the judgements I received. That’s why during the pandemic when many people saw “Chinese-virus” and “bat-eater” as jokes, I only saw them as creating big red targets on the people I loved.

Links

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1997/10/13/brokeback-mountain

https://www.academia.edu/41275822/_They_Just_Dont_Get_It_An_Overview_of_Brokeback_Mountains_Reception_and_Impact

In Shakespeare’s Othello, Othello intrigues me because his story serves as a lesson, that no matter how respected and powerful you are, your greatest weakness could end up being yourself. Although Othello appears to be a noble Moorish general on the outside, he also masks his underlying insecurities that make him susceptible to Iago’s manipulation. In a play where a man’s value is determined by their reputation, masculinity, and honor Othello is willing to do anything it takes to protect his self-image, even if it means killing the love of his life. The passage below from Act 3 is where I think Othello’s insecurities are on full display, and it gave me a better idea on the psychology of his overall character.

This passage comes from the middle of Act 3, Scene 3 and it is when Iago is instigating and spreading lies to Othello about Desdemona having an affair with Cassio. Othello really starts to spiral here and starts revealing a lot of his self-doubt and anger. Othello says:

“This fellow’s of exceeding honesty

And knows all quantities, with a learnèd spirit,

Of human dealings. If I do prove her haggard,

Though that her jesses were my dear heartstrings,

I’d whistle her off and let her down the wind

To prey at fortune. Haply, for I am black

And have not those soft parts of conversation

That chamberers have, or for I am declined

Into the vale of years—yet that’s not much—

She’s gone, I am abused, and my relief

Must be to loathe her. Oh, curse of marriage

That we can call these delicate creatures ours

And not their appetites!”

Analysis

What immediately stands out to me in this passage is that Othello is completely under Iago’s manipulation. He begins his speech by saying “This fellow’s exceeding honesty” while referring to Iago. The choice of the word “exceeding” demonstrates Othello’s growing belief in Iago’s morality; in Othello’s eyes he can only keep getting more honest, but in reality Othello is unknowingly getting more and more wrapped up in Iago’s lies that confirm beliefs Othello has always had about himself. It is through Othello’s insecurities that allow him to trust Iago so easily. Because Iago understands Othello’s insecurities, it allows Iago to methodically pick apart his weaknesses to use against him. Othello searches for every possible reasoning for Desdemona’s betrayal by saying “for I am black..have not these soft parts of conversation…chamberers have…declined into the vale of years.” His reasoning stems from his insecurities about race, age, and the eloquence of his speech. There is a lot to unpack here, but I think that in order to fully understand Othello we must examine his race and look at his character through a psychological phenomenon known as the stereotype threat. According to SimplyPsychology.org “Stereotype threat is when individuals fear they may confirm negative stereotypes about their social group. This fear can negatively affect their performance and reinforce the stereotype, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.” In this case Othello fears confirming the negative stereotypes of being Black. As a Black man Othello grapples with slavery and racism. Early in his life he was sold into slavery, which not only taught him the resilience to become a warrior, but it also revealed to him the cruelty/abuse for being “different”; not white. Even though he is respected for his skill in battle and attempts to assimilate into European society, he still experiences racism. His father in-law initially respects him, but is outraged by Othello’s marriage to his daughter, due to racial prejudice. Othello’s overwhelming compulsion and pressure to prove himself equal and deserving of love and respect like everyone else in this Venetian society forces him to abide by extreme rules of honor. A person of his background does not get the luxury of making mistakes. As an outsider even more eyes are on him just waiting for the moment he slips up. All the respect and status he worked so hard to gain can be just as easily stripped away, if he does not continue to uphold his strong, masculine, military-general reputation. His fears of not being accepted for his Blackness and his wife’s love being “too good to be true” were dormant until they were confirmed and forcefully brought to the surface by Iago’s insinuations. The thought of being cuckholded shatters any chance of being seen as a respected equal among the white elite.

By listening to an interview with Victor Oshin, an actor who plays Othello, I was able to gain more valuable insight on Othello in his preparation for the role. When talking about how Othello was treated for being Black, Oshin says:

“I’ve felt it…a lot of the emotions he’s going through…you’re walking down a street and someone locks the door…you’re in a supermarket and someone is purposely following you…you’re being extra-ly watched…that eye that’s constantly on Othello I’ve definitely felt on me throughout my life.. that feeling of paranoia…to constantly be a certain way so that people get you”(00:04:16-00:04:57).

Analysis

Despite this play being written centuries ago Oshin is still able to find similarities between Othello and the modern world from the perspective of a Black man. The micro aggressions that Oshin describes, reflects the experience of what millions of minorities go through every day. Black men are constantly racially profiled as dangerous or criminals just from a glance. When Oshin talks about being “a certain way so that people get you,” he is not just talking about conforming to society, he is talking about survival. Police often shoot a black person the moment they deem them “too aggressive.”

Othello’s story is a tragic tale. By examining Othello through a psychological and modern lens it is clear that his struggles are not restricted to the past. His story serves as a disturbing yet powerful reminder that unchecked insecurities, stereotype threats, and white dominated societies pose devastating consequences.

Links:

https://edu-digitaltheatreplus-com.scclosrios.idm.oclc.org/content/interviews/on-othello-an-interview-with-victor-oshin#about

https://www.simplypsychology.org/stereotype-threat.html

Hi, I’m Max Li Welcome to my podcast

Maybe this has happened to you, but when someone leaves my life I get really down about it. When I talk about someone leaving, I do not necessarily mean death. This could be a close friend or a partner, where at some point in time… your paths no longer aligned. You might replay memories in your head, hoping things could be different, or maybe… just maybe if you think about them long enough, they will eventually magically reappear in your life. I never know why, but in the late nights, memories of the past always resurface. I find myself falling down a rabbit hole of analyzing the mistakes of past interactions, wishing things did not end the way that they did, and missing people that have probably long forgotten about me. At some point all this yearning for a person or a memory, does not really serve you in the long run. You might get so caught up in the past, that you forget to enjoy what is happening right now in the present.

Today I want to share a poem that was inspired by this feeling of missing a person from the past as well as Wang Ping’s poem “The Last Son of China.”

Final Poem

All The Things Better Left Unsaid

hey…comment ca va?……are you alive?... I remember you used to always ask me that… our little joke… that started when you asked how my race went….. I remember the first time I saw you.. Summer…start of Junior year…cross country practice…. It was like any other day at the track…except there you were…. a stranger…the new girl that flew in from France… something within me needed to figure out who you were…… after a few interactions with you….. I summoned up the courage to ask you out..and was understandably shot down……..well……… At least I would not need to question “what if?”....that was the end of our story…Autumn.…the cross country halloween party…we ended up talking all night……..…I remember you talked about how sad you were that France lost the world cup..... I talked about how Mbappe looks like a ninja turtle ….Winter… an unexpected text in broken English … Hi Max! how you’re doing?...It’s been a long time i didn’t saw you in high school….

…...then I….Spring…track season… we texted all of spring break…at track meets we gave each other ballpoint pen tattoos…you know…like friends do…….u should be honor to have my art on ur harm… u better never shower…or ill kill you… a scribble of baby yoda was etched onto my skin and at the bottom…signed your name with a heart at the end …….. April…Prom approached…I decided to skip practice one day to hop on the light rail to fetch some macarons…Saturday…the day of our track meet…the morning rain fell as I biked for miles .... soaked in the heavy deluge ….. a grand bouquet attached to the front of my bike like a ship’s figurehead………. Later that day I arrived at our track meet….. Your race was the last one of the day…. the bleachers emptied as the sky dimmed…. and cars exited the parking lot… coach was telling me to get ready to move out…… but I waited for you……….. out of the darkness you and your friends came back from your cooldown run.. but time was of the essence ..coach wanted to pack up and leave…I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity… I held your hand and hastily led you to the top of the bleachers.. and to not spoil the surprise.. a beanie covered your eyes as you stood faced away… I picked up the macarons, the flowers, and the poster…asked you to turn around…your face unveiled…I uttered the shaky words ………… Aimerais Tu Aller Au Prom Avec Moi?......................................................your glistening eyes…………melting ….embrace…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………a……kiss……………………and……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I……………………. I can’t keep doing this…….You’re no longer here…….